Choices

I'll never forget when Connor first started attending the local Christian preschool when he was 3 years old. He had been in public daycare for 3 years, so it was very new for him to come home talking about the Bible stories he had learned and lessons from a Christian perspective. I loved it! Then during his first spring there, he came home talking about Easter and about how Jesus died for everyone to save them from their sins. I remember wondering how this 3-year-old could possibly understand the concept of sin. When I asked him if he knew what a sin was, he replied simply, "A sin is a bad choice."

I'm not sure why that definition was so powerful for me, but I will probably never forget that conversation and the simple words that defined such a profound concept. Maybe I grew up thinking of sin as something so much more complex and hard to describe.

Fast forward 4 years and now I have a 4-year-old daughter that has been struggling with her own bad choices. Jeff and I have known from the time she was a baby that Kaitlynn was not your ordinary strong-willed child. Her defiant nature catches us off-guard at the least expected times. When it comes out, Jeff and I will sometimes look at each other with wide eyes and open mouths trying to figure out the best way to communicate with our daughter-slash-brick-wall.

Now, let me just say, I have known these days were coming for a long time. My mother--my poor, sweet mother--has been telling me about the "child I deserve" for as long as I can remember. There was just no "getting it" until Kaitlynn came along.

Now, I get it.

Kaitlynn's preschool teachers have been working hard to get their kids ready for Kindergarten, and behavior is a key component of their readiness. While Kaitlynn has had a great year in school academically, I would say her biggest lessons continue to be in behavior and discipline. We have been working with her on listening, obeying the first time, and showing respect at all times towards her teachers (and parents). While Kaitlynn is definitely improving, along the way she has had to experience some consequences of her bad choices.

Writing an apology letter to her teachers.

"I will make better choices tomorrow."

Kaitlynn's preschool class has a "clip system" to handle discipline in the classroom. Each child starts out every day on the color green which means "ready to learn," and they get moved up or down in colors based on their behavior that day. Moving up to blue, pink, and purple means that they've had a great day. Moving down to yellow, orange, and finally, red means a report to the parents and sometimes a note home or trip to the Director's office.

Recently there was a week at school when Kaitlynn had several "yellow" days in a row, which means she had to move her clip down for bad choices (not paying attention, not following directions, etc.). On the 3rd day in a row of "yellow", the teacher talked with me about how Kaitlynn and her classmates had not been behaving well and that they (the teachers) were going to have to start implementing some new discipline measures in the classroom. After discussing the situation with the teacher for several minutes, I was feeling very down and disappointed in Kaitlynn's behavior.

Kaitlynn could tell I was upset as we were walking to the car, and so she began nervously talking about random things--anxious chatter to fill the silence. I was very quiet and solemn as we kept walking.

"Momma, why are you so quiet?" Kaitlynn asked.

"I don't feel like talking right now," I replied. "I'm too upset about your behavior report from your teacher, so I need some time to think."

We continued to the car quietly and then we both got into our seats. I picked up my phone and started texting (venting!) to Jeff while we were still parked.

After a few moments, I heard a very quiet and shaky voice say from the back seat, "Do you want a new daughter?"

That got my attention. "What did you say?" I asked, unsure.

"I said, do you want a new daughter?" Kaitlynn responded.

"Why would you ask me that?" I asked, bewildered.

"Because of my bad behavior this week."

I couldn't believe I had heard her correctly, so I put down my phone and turned around to face Kaitlynn in the back seat. Her eyes were tearing up and she looked so small and sad. It just about broke my heart and took everything I could muster to not tear up myself.

I looked her directly in the eyes. "Kaitlynn," I said gently but clearly, "You are MY daughter. God gave you to ME, and I am so lucky for that. Sometimes you make good decisions, which makes me happy. And sometimes you make bad decisions, which makes me sad. But no matter what, good decisions or bad, I will ALWAYS love you. Always. And I would never want another daughter. Only you, because you are mine and I love you so much. No matter what."

"Do you understand that?" I asked, still looking at her directly, trying to control my emotions.

With tears in her eyes and a quivering chin, she nodded her head.

I could barely drive home with all the tears pouring from my eyes. Parenting is so hard.

Another apology letter. She then had to read it to her teachers.

We continue to experiment with the best way to motivate Kaitlynn so that she'll make good choices. I think it's probably like this with most kids, when sometimes we think she's "got it" and other times it feels like we've taken big steps backwards.

Years ago, I attended a MOPs (Mothers of Preschoolers) event where the church pastor gave a talk, sympathizing with us young mothers and acknowledging how exhausting and challenging this phase of life can be. But then he went on to say something that I'll never forget: as difficult as this phase of parenting with young children can be, it's not the most difficult phase we'll encounter. I immediately assumed he was talking about how hard it would be with teenagers. (Ha!) But no, he went on to explain his opinion, that by far the hardest phase of his own parenting had been when his kids entered young adulthood--when their choices can have permanent and life-changing consequences. Wow, was that impactful!

As we continue teaching our kids the importance of making good decisions and understanding that poor choices will always have consequences, I am reminded of the overwhelming task that we are raising little humans who will one day be adults that make their own permanent, life-changing decisions. Parenting is just. so. hard!

And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.

Colossians 3:17