No More Mommy's Milk

When you were born, I was convinced that I wanted to try breastfeeding you but knew that I might have a hard time because I had heard so many horror stories about how hard and painful it is. It turned out that you were quite the powerful “sucker” so nursing you was definitely a challenge. But my lifesaver was the breast pump. Even when I was too sore to nurse you, I maintained a steady supply of breast milk by pumping often. It became a joke in our house that our freezer was stocked full of frozen breast milk, and I even made your Dad purchase a generator in case our electricity ever went out (which it was prone to do at the time).

My goal from the beginning had always been to breastfeed you for 6 months. I felt that was a long enough time to give you the nutrients you needed. By that point, I was back to work and it was more difficult to take the necessary time to pump during the day. I convinced myself that at 6 months, I was ready to slowly wean off the pumping. Besides, I had quite a supply built up in the freezer.

I remember a particular day that fall when I was in Dallas visiting friends and I was trying to reduce my pump sessions from 5 per day to 4 per day. At one point during that day, I had to excuse myself from my friends to conduct an emergency pump session because my breasts were SO full and sore from going too long between pump sessions. At that one sitting, I pumped 18 ounces of milk! That was an incredible amount, but apparently my body got the message and very soon thereafter stopped producing as much milk. Within a week or two, I also started getting my monthly cycles again.

So from there, I just gradually reduced the number of times per day that I pumped, and very soon I wasn’t pumping at all. After going an entire week without pumping, I began to feel some regret about my decision, so I actually began pumping again everyday. But by that point, I really didn’t produce enough to make it worthwhile. I was surprised by the fact that I became depressed when I realized that my body had stopped producing milk.

Another surprise was how quickly you went through all the breast milk in the freezer. In order to switch you to formula, we had to mix breast milk with formula to gradually get you used to the taste. You did fine, but internally I was so disappointed in my decision to stop pumping. Looking back, I wish I had continued pumping through the winter season. Most people would say it was just a coincidence (although you won’t convince me otherwise), but as soon as you were drinking 100% formula, you began coming down with illness after illness from the daycare, mostly ear infections. I blamed myself because the breast milk could’ve given you the extra nutrition you needed to withstand the germs going around.